Back in the day when PTV was the only television channel in Pakistan, Chaudhary Nizam Din’s used to be a very popular talk show. He had many amusing stories to tell. One that I remember has to do with recruitment in the English army during their very early days in India. They began taking locals into their army from the tribes around Madras. When they reached Bengal, they attempted to do the same there. By pure chance, the very first tribe whose youth they attempted to seduce into the army was especially shy of the profession of arms. After much convincing and hard negotiations with their tribal elder, all terms of service and pay and emoluments were settled between the two parties. And just as the recruiting team was about to set off, taking their fifty new recruits with them, the old man confronted them with one really tough question: “But tell me, sahib,” he asked, “if it comes to war, who will protect my boys from the enemy?”
I was reminded of this tale when I heard that our High Command had fallen back to throwing its newly recruited Hijra Brigade for its protection in its battle against Imran Khan. I could not help thinking that if, after throwing in Qazi Faez Isa, Sikander Sultan Raja, the Inspector Generals of police of the four provinces, Asif Zardari, Nawaz Sharif, all their touts and Mohsin Naqvi, they were finally constrained to deploy their Hijra Brigade, they must have fallen on real hard times. One hears about armies whose martial prowess has been beaten out of them, but it was difficult to believe that a day would come when an army would need to resort to its unit of transvestites to defend it against one national leader cooped up in jail, who cannot be heard, nor even have his photograph be seen!
Unfortunately, what should have been a red letter day for the innovative planners of “Operation Hijra Assault”, proved to be a day of heroic embarrassment. They fumbled and failed to cut Raoof Hassan’s jugular with the shaving blades supplied to them, dropping these in the attempt to do so. And their minder was hard put to herd them off the “stage” to escape to safety. Luckily, the planners were saved the mortification of their troops being caught and questioned. They got clean away, we are told, as they were too heavily coated with makeup to be recognized. [It’s amazing how Mariam Safdar never fails to get recognized despite all her coats of paste! So unlike the Hijras, wouldn’t you say!]
The Hijras were one arm of the pincer to take down Imran. The other was to be Malik Riaz Hussain. He had been ordered to become an approver against Imran Khan in a case which does not have a head nor a bottom. But Malik Sahib refused flat out. He let it be known to the authorities to keep their hands off him, or he would expose all that he knew, and this would bring about an earthquake. To make certain that he does not become a victim of a kidnapping or an unfortunate accident, he also let it be known that just in case some misfortune were to befall him, he had recorded what he knows, and that all this would spill out.
Just in case Gen Asim and his High Command have any doubts about the amount of dirt Malik Sahib has on the most respectable layer of Pakistanis, they ought to know that this would be enough to bury the whole of Islamabad and Rawalpindi under a pile of dung, enough to dwarf the nearby Murray Hills. [What a sight it would be to see Generals, Judges, Prime Ministers, Presidents, and all manner of lesser beings crawling out of the dung and running unwashed straight to the airports to catch the next flight out.]
Whether or when misfortune befalls Malik Sahib, and if it does, will he go through with his promise, we have to wait and see. To know if the High Command will avoid this disaster, pull back, and opt for a new one, we have to sit back and await the unfolding of events. There are already rumours afloat that the likely disaster to be opted for would be the banning of the PTI, and charging Imran Khan for treason for having suggested that all Pakistanis needed to study the Hamood ur Rehman Commission Report to determine whether it was Mujib ur Rehman who was the traitor of 1971, or was it Yahya Khan. These idiots really believe that this would be the best way to suppress debate on this issue!
Be that as it may, my mind cannot help wandering off to their Excellencies, the US Ambassador and the UK High Commissioner to Islamabad, and wondering what drove their governments to choose these buffoons to run Pakistan. Or perhaps running Pakistan was never the real issue, but ruining it was. If it was their goal that Pakistan be shattered without a mending hope, I must confess that theirs was an inspired choice. But if their aim was even a wee bit short, they must make haste and salvage Pakistan before further loss of time. The gathering momentum of this runaway bus will soon be beyond the hope of being pulled back. And when it crashes, no one will be able to reconstitute Pakistan from its shattered parts. What that soil would be most likely to grow, would be least appreciated, especially in the civilized West.
Lastly, it may be worth the while of the Excellencies to know that most in Pakistan expect that exasperation with their own inadequacies may eventually lead the High Command to visit the “final solution” on Imran Khan. Few doubt that this would be done without clearance from Washington and London. They may like to think about this. And if they do, they might conclude that this was a complicity best avoided, and so advise their governments.
saeedakhtarmalik85@gmail.com
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