I had not heard about Botox till I read that some Arabs, never short of money or imagination, had decided to use this on their she-camels which they had entered for the “Miss UAE” Competition for She-Camels. The article went on to suggest that some of the camels, optimally treated with this substance, may also have learned the camel version of the coy smile.
And then I read some more about it and learned that this stuff enhanced female attractiveness by filling them in at the right places.
I wondered then, why there was nothing in the market to work some such wonder on men as well.
It was then that Viagra came to mind. When this product came to the market, news among the enthusiasts spread fast. Some speculated on the promise of possibilities this held for old age.
The starry eyed, not given to defer action, thought about the possibilities ‘then and there’. Many jokes about it were made, shared, and enjoyed. And the ‘Zardari leer’ has since become its most iconic advertisement.
And though Viagra and Botox did not quite produce the same results, yet there was a commonality about them as they served to lift up either falling spirits or sagging assets. One day my attention was drawn to a story about the ill effects that generous use of Viagra could have on the user. A wit had written about President Sani Abacha of Nigeria who had ten kids. It was put out that the President just loved children which may have been true. But truer still was perhaps the fact that more than kids, he loved the women that made them. So, one day, when feeling especially amorous, he called over four of them. And to be fair to them all, he had four pills of Viagra. One for each. And when the last one left, the President lay dead.
Official sources said it was heart failure that took away the happy President. Unofficially it was agreed that he died of “mysterious causes”, one of which was whispered to be excess of enthusiasm.
Enthusiastic use of Botox, I imagined, must also come with its own hazards. As I thought of this, I recalled the article referred to above and the story of one of the “she-camel” Arabs who was extremely keen for his entry to win the crown. He had asked his vet to give his camel the “full” Botox works. The poor camel, puffed up with lumps in all the wrong places with ugly blotches on her skin, could not make it beyond the entry round!
Now to our Botox Woman, who has made it well beyond the entry round, and with whom trying to look attractive has been a profession, and acting atrociously, a compulsion. Recently she was charged by her dad to attract large crowds. In preparation she travelled abroad and had, what she euphemistically calls, a “small operation.” I have little doubt that the expenses incurred on this small operation were defrayed from the money that was stolen by her family from us. “Khata hai tau lagata bhi hai”!
But despite great attention paid to the task of beautifying herself, the crowds she is “attracting” are pitifully small and dwindling by the day. I wonder what has gone wrong. Has she too perhaps grown lumps where they ought not to be, to the detriment of the hollows that needed being filled, but were not?
There is no way to know this for certain but having this confirmed by PML’s chief “Tanzeem Saaz” who, with the desertion of the fat cats, has snuggled very close to her and is seldom more than a sniffing distance away. Having the eye of an expert, he would surely know if the “small operation” had gone wrong!
As I think about her choice of the “Tanzeem Saaz” to be her drooling sycophant-in-chief of the moment, I cannot help thinking about her other prime pick–the one in uniform.
And coming as I do from a family in which all adult males, except for the lame and the cripple and the dead, joined the armed forces, just the possibility that the story of this selection to the top slot might be true, leaves me filled with disgust and shame.
But for those who are even remotely sensitive about their country, there is no dearth of either. Just take your mind to the number of dirty videos and suggestive audios doing the rounds over the last few years. And think about our Botox-infused sleaze queen, who is the virtual founder of the dirty video industry of Pakistan, oozing falsehoods hate and abuse, and laying claim to the leadership of our unfortunate country. And as she does this, she proudly boasts about her collection of “hundreds” of more such videos which, she repeatedly assures us, “will be released at the appropriate time”!
This promise of blackmail, which is explicitly sexual in nature, is made by a woman who believes that she is the rightful heir to the throne of Pakistan. And the confidence of her claim seems grounded in the confidence that she has yet to be caught on camera with her pants down. She seems to believe that unlike some of her sloppy victims, her diligence will ensure this never happens to her.
But many to whom she has given the taste for the salacious ardently pray that it does.
Whether that prayer is granted or not, only time will tell. But in the meantime a standard has been set. Not being caught on camera without one’s pants, has come to stand as proof of piety in our society!
This is where our leadership has taken us. Our fate is to be decided between Botox and Viagra… between the wonders which the one works to attract, and the other, to gravitate towards this attraction, and the resultant explosion being caught on camera.
Competing dirty videos will decide who is to rule us. Zardari or Mariam.
If “the cure for evils of democracy is more democracy”, for us this can only mean dirty videos, and more dirty videos!
Our future may not be bright, but it certainly promises to be an entertaining one.
P.S. Has the day finally dawned when a score of judges will perhaps pull Pakistan out of the hole that its generals have pushed it into? Will they, assisted by another lawyers’ movement, finally redeem their country and its judiciary?